Thursday, June 30, 2011

ryan, sandy and louboutins

When an actor or actress – you know what, let’s just skip the whole PC deal and go with actress. Let’s start over…..

Now correct me if I’m wrong here. Academy Awards + Nominated Actress = (maybe) an Oscar. Right?  I always get confused, Grammy’s, People’s Choice, Emmys, Tonys, Dundees, SAG, MTV Music and then Movie Awards, the Razzies, who wins what? I mean how can a girl keep it all straight, right? Oops… rabbit trail….. sorry.

Well, to begin, lets just all admit that the most interesting part of the evening is the red carpet. I love to hear the interviews; oooh and ahhh or ugh and scrunchy nose and raised eyebrows at the haute couture – from the gorgeous to the ridiculous, and the ones who tried the just rolled out of bed look - sans stylist - and consequently failed entirely. Thus the scrunchy noses and raised eyebrows.

Next is our game. Charles and I have devised this little game. As they pan the crowd, we wait till they pause on someone in particular and the first to yell or scream out that person’s name, wins! You can imagine, as we sit on the floor in our pj’s, that it can get a little wild and crazy; popcorn flying through the air, glasses of milk getting knocked over! We also try to pick out fillers and dissect who is sitting by who and what that may or may not mean. It is like a frat party on acid. Feel free to come join the fun next awards season. J

Onto the main event. We watch as an actress from a movie wins whatever it is they win, as they walk up to the front, taking bets on who will trip over their incredibly too long dress, as they accept their award, and then as they walk to the podium to begin THE SPEECH, we bet on who is already too drunk to give an articulate speech and who is going to lean way over to talk into the shotgun condenser mic – if I know that they can just stand up and speak, why don’t they? As they thank everyone who got them to the place they are now standing, we are just waiting to see if they make it through their entire speech before the music begins and they are awkwardly ushered off the stage.

Now, let’s just use our imaginations. Ryan Seacrest is interviewing me in my stunning vintage Chanel dress, Bulgari jewels and Louboutin shoes. I look BAA-NAN-AAAS! (Rachel Zoe was my stylist.) I make my way down the red carpet and sit right beside Sandra Bullock. Ryan Reynolds just a few seats away. Remember, I said, use your imaginations.

I watch as the amazing Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks make their way onto the stage. In awe I listen as their voices say my name. Best Actress for the movie The Color Lyme. Time begins to move in slow motion. I don’t trip on my way up the stairs, Phew! My palms are sweaty as Julia Roberts (WOW!!!!) hands me the Oscar. And now comes THE SPEECH. Now, I know some people write out their speech and read it, but I’m going off the cuff here.  My heart is beating out of my chest as I take a deep breath and we’re off to the races. “I have just two people to thank - Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. One of the things that kept me going through all this was a movie that to this day makes me laugh out loud. The Proposal, which I had seen before, but while I was sick it filled my heart in an entirely new way. It still doesn’t matter how many times I watch it, I laugh out loud. Big, hearty, true, from the heart laughter that rolls up from the pit of my stomach and out my mouth before I can stop it. I hadn’t laughed like that for years. During that time, I watched it at least once a day, if not 2 or three. On a bad day, back to back to back. My favorite part, well there’s too many to pick just one. I love when Mr. Gilbertson sings “Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buuuh”; and when Andrew looks like a deer in headlights as Margaret announces their engagement to the big bosses; and when Andrew says “boop, boop, boop” when he pats her on the bum; and, of course, when they run into each other naked. They say that laughter is good medicine. Well, if that is true, then I guess I have three people to thank. God, Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds, oh wait, don’t forget Betty White. Oops, I guess that’s four.J” Cue music as I smile and wave and graciously make my way off the stage in my Louboutins (a girl can dream,) to hug my best friends, Sandy and Ryan.

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