runts

The problem with letting your 2 ½ year old look in the fridge and pick out her own breakfast. “Hmmmm….. I want cheese, cereal, milk, a waffle……..uhhh and yogurt. I have never seen anyone so indecisive.

Well, that’s not exactly true. To be fair, she comes by it honestly. I am nothing if not indecisive. I can’t make a decision to save my life. I could never decide what I wanted at McDonald’s – Nuggets, a Big Mac, or a Spicy Chicken Sandwich (now a moot point since that delicious gourmet food is off-limits.) I can never decide which movie to watch, would I rather eat or sleep, which jeans fit best, if I want chicken or fish, to order pizza or Chinese, water or milk, skirt or dress -  well, that one is probably just more of a girl thing. Did you know that they made those double scoop cones with each scoop a different flavor because of me? I am literally not equipped with the ability to make any decision without wringing my hands in worry.

Part of this comes down to my childhood. Now, I am quite aware that everyone who has ever seen a hack counselor blames everything on their childhood, but truthfully this is just one of those times when it is a simple fact of life. To be fair, the other factor is my charming yet perfectionist side of my personality. Let’s be honest here, it’s not just a side, it’s the whole thing. If you’ve ever met me you will discover this in short order.

When I was little we didn’t really have a lot of money. My choices were very limited, stir that up with my perfectionistic personality and any choice became life or death, to the point of sobbing and gnashing of teeth. My mom tells the story that as a treat she would give my sister and I each a dollar and let us pick whatever we wanted from the dollar store. She says my sister would pick in the first 5 minutes, while I would wander up and down each aisle, the speed of the Tortoise, and desperately search for the exact right thing. Weighing my options between the figurine of a disfigured angel, a candle that smelled like a hospital, and a Sugar Daddy. Even decisions like that carried the weight of the world.

This made the teenage years an utter joy for my parents. My worry filled every corner of my life and theirs. Do you think I should spend the night with Kristen or go to the pool party with the youth group? Do you think I should break up with my boyfriend or stay with him because I don’t want to break his heart? Do you think I should wear my hair curly or straight? Should I take my backpack or just carry my books? I’m sure there were times that my mom and dad thought, “JUST DECIDE ALREADY!” You get the idea. Fun times.

After my track record, my poor momma was so worried that when it came time for me to get married I wouldn’t be able to decide. Guess what? That one was the only decision I never even one time questioned, I never worried about. I knew, I just knew. And 13 years later I still don’t. Charles is the man that God chose for me before we were born and I love him more each day. Inside his ring is the inscription, “Song of Solomon 3:4” which says, “I have found the one whom my soul loves.” Ok, enough with the mushy gushy.....moving on.

The Bible talks a lot about worry. These are a few of my favs: Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “God is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; He won't leave you. Don't be intimidated. Don't worry." I love Psalm 127:2 which says, “It's useless to rise early and go to bed late, and work your worried fingers to the bone. Don't you know He enjoys giving rest to those He loves?” Luke 21:14, “Make up your mind right now not to worry about it.” Proverbs 3:24, “You'll take afternoon naps without a worry, you'll enjoy a good night's sleep.” And I am convicted by Matthew 16:8 which describes those who worry as “runt believers.”

God wants to bless us, but we spend so much time worrying and fretting about what to do. Logically I realize that He is going to give us what He knows is best, but in my heart I worry, worry, worry. Sometimes He must think, “just be patient my child, I will make the right decision, you don’t need to worry.” What a sweet promise, what a wonderful place to abide, and yet, I am still worried that I won’t be able to just let go and stay there.