l really had no choice in the matter. It was God’s divine plan. I grew up a Shepherd. I was taught from a very young age that you never EVER pass up a good deal. Sales were created just for Shepherds. 50% off tears at my heart, and 75%, ouch. I don’t care if its a pair of steel toed construction boots, I still have to be dragged away. The $1 section at Target is just cruel. I have to sit on my hands as I go thru there or I end up with $20 worth of stuff and I haven’t even made it into the store! (Those marketing people are S-M-A-R-T smart!) And thrift stores and garage sales, well Charles doesn’t even let me go.
This next part is not for the faint of heart. Viewer discretion IS advised. We are moving on past the wholesome world of good deals into the dark unknown........
When I was little, once a month, late at nite, Dad and a bunch of friends would take all the seats out of the van and go “trash cruisin’.” Yes my friends, trash cruisin’. It was the night before the trash man was coming, and once a month, the trash companies would let you put out anything you wanted to get rid of, and I mean anything. Those pieces were the objective. I was only allowed to go along once or twice - after all - I took up valuable space.
|My daddy, circa. 1979|
Now, folks, they had reached a whole new level here. Dad and his buddies weren’t looking for good deals. They were out for FREE deals. And a FREE deal people, well that is a whole new bird. Free deals are like candy, stuff as much of it in your mouth as you can and run! I remember trash cruisin’. They would grab the item, drag it into the van and yell, “GO GO,GO,GO!” as my dad pushed the pedal to the medal. Well, now I have found my golden fountain of free deals and I am currently hemorrhaging candy. There is no more room in my system and yet I cannot stop. Just one more piece can’t hurt, eh?
Have you seen “Horton Hears a Who?” The scene where the gorilla sticks bananas in his mouth until one comes out his nose. Yes, that is me. Candy from your nose is painful, but not nearly as painful as passing up a free deal.
Charles literally has to accelerate as we pass things set out by the side of the road. A saggy old couch, a run-down console TV with rabbit ears, a cracked (but definitely still usable) mirror, moldy wooden chairs left to rot..........must I go on? It’s a problem.
I remember, one year as a surprise for mother’s day, we (minus mom) snuck down to the end of our cul-de-sac in the van - we had disabled the interior lights so they wouldn’t come on when the doors opened, very stealth. I’m sure Dad could feel the tingle of his old trash cruisin’ days. Except this time, I was the driver. He had removed two of the seats, and Josh, Mindy and Dad were all hunched down on the floor. One of our neighbors had left a huge projection TV out by the trash. Ah, sacrilege! So, we snuck down after dark, all in black, ski masks optional. We pulled as close to the TV as we could and as soon as I rolled to a stop they all jumped out and somehow wrangled that huge beast into the van. As I heard those reminiscent cries of “go go go go!” (whispered this time,) I was drawn back to those days of ole. Once trash cruisin’ is in your blood, it’s there to stay.
Back to me and my candy problem. Less than a week ago I discovered the holy grail of free deals! ENT or E Reader News Today. They have bargain books and other such deals, but I only have eyes for one shimmering tab that says “Free Kindle Books.” My mouth actually salivates as I click that tab and see what treasures lie beneath. I have already downloaded over 100 FREE books of which I have read none. I have the candy in my mouth and I am on the run......
My name is Brooke Fox, and I have a problem.